Oh, THAT'S Where I Left My Fetus!

So, this:

http://www.newser.com/story/174791/teacher-finds-human-fetus-in-classroom-cabinet.html


Couple things-- one, doesn't that answer seem a little TOO convenient?  "A former teacher used it in child development classes and it's at least 20 years old."  Fair enough, I mean 20 years ago, it's not like the teacher could have just Googled pictures of babies in the womb.  And sure, the teacher COULD have gotten sonogram footage or something but, honestly, when you're teaching high schoolers about developing fetuses, is there truly any better visual aide than a BABY IN A JAR, HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Now look, I'm all for the advancement of science and learning, I support stem cell research, and I'm not what you'd call squeamish, exactly.  But come on, jar fetus is something you save for college freshmen in the first week of their biology lecture; the kind of thing you do to cement the notion of "life is going to be much harder and much weirder from now on."  Right after the R.A.'s "Get to know your dorm!" party where your roommate got WAY too comfortable and honest with the "Show us your O face" icebreaker and just before the Philosophy 101 lecture where your professor convinces you that there's no ethical reason why we shouldn't have sex with goats (By the way, ask me about that lecture some time.  Greatest class ever).

I'm re-looking over the part where it says "doesn't this answer seem a little TOO convenient" and I realize that I've just set up the lamest conspiracy theory ever.  "They don't want the people to know who's REALLY putting fetuses in jars, maaaannn..."

Seriously, think about the kind of person who would bring in a jar fetus as a visual teaching aide.  That's PROBABLY the kind of person who had to be very careful vis a vis permission slips and talking to the teacher's board about bringing it in and making sure it didn't fall over and break and that it's little fetal eyes didn't somehow reflexively open and stare directly into the eyes of Connie, who watched the whole thing happen as if in slow motion, prompting her to scream until she had an aneurysm.  A careful person, is my point.  How does a careful person just FORGET they had a fetal baby in a jar in their classroom?

Secondly, how does the new teacher not discover that little treasure the first year he is teaching?  The article says the teacher returned to his classroom at the beginning of the school year, so that guy had been teaching in that room for at least one year before his supposed "discovery."  If I ever forsake doing stand-up in bars to take up the much nobler position of teaching high school (which isn't the worst idea ever; seriously, I've had some of my best shows in front of high schoolers), my first act as teacher is going to be to scour every nook and cranny of my classroom looking for dead animals, stashed-away drugs and fetuses.

Back to the conspiracy bit:  you know why I think this is a cover-up?  Because it's not complicated.  Not really.  The "it belonged to the old teacher" thing is plausible and maybe even the truth but it's that kind of truth that seems so much cleaner than the things we're used to in a world where you can find a video of a teenage girl being decapitated on the Internet.  You want to know what I think it really was? Senior prank.

Honestly, why else wrap it in a paper bag if not to draw out the drama of unwrapping it and seeing what was inside?  If it had been a teacher, they would have had a box for it, not a paper bag that a cop might have seen and gotten suspicious about.

"Excuse me sir, there's no drinking allowed on school grounds."
"Oh, this?  No, it's not a beer.  This is a fetus in a jar."

Then the cop would have lost his shit and, in a panic, unloaded his gun on that teacher.  Which would have made for a much more interesting headline.  I'll let you imagine it in your head.

Seriously though, I'm nominating those kids for Best High School Senior Prank 2014.  And they're from FLORIDA, no less!  Swelling with pride.  If I could have gotten ahold of them before they'd done it, though, I'd have told them to also leave, on the same shelf, a DVD that said, "Play Me."  -shudder-  Excuse me, I think I'm going to go to CreepyPasta.com and submit a story.

Droppin' a Blog

Welcome to The Brian Fox Blog.  Here you will find my thoughts, my dreams, and possibly, if I can get my mechanical engineer friend to help me, the schematics for my cow fart engine.  I understand they have already built a device that harnesses the methane generated by bovine flatulence, but I came up with the idea first, damn it.  I was in sixth grade.  Only my idea was not similar to the automatic milking machine, it was this honeycomb structure that you would load cows in ass-first en masse... oh man, it would have been awesome.  And if I'd had any sense when I was twelve, I would have patented the design and been rich by now and probably wouldn't need to be writing this blog and LOOKIE THERE, I have already brought us full circle.  Only the most talented bloggers can do that in just a paragraph.